Hm. A year or so ago my tech blog was pretty active. I even had a few subscribers to it. And in fact the further back in time I recall, the more I used to write, not necessarily on that particular tech blog but in general. In fact, in 1997 (that’s 13 years ago) I wrote a (throwaway) submission to the IETF with a “reverse psychology” suggestion on how to control spam, and the document was so well-written it won me an interview with CNET Radio and a Chinese English instructor asked me if he could include it in an English textbook as an example of good English. My writing habits inspired me to create a desktop blogging application years ago, which I spent three years refining before throwing it away in favor of the likes of Windows Live Writer, which was basically the same functionality, minus the history tracking and plus extra aesthetic flair. (I got no credit for it.)
But lately I just haven’t been writing anything at all.
(It’s been stated that you should never blog about blogging because it is the most boring subject to read on the Internet. But then, that’s why this is going into this blog—my personal blog—rather than my tech blog.)
And if you’re curious as to why I’ve gotten so quiet lately—as you surely are not, but I am—then I can only say that there have come changes in my life that might explain it.
First, I was recently diagnosed with a chronic disease. This disease has, for the most part, not shown itself hardly at all, as my treatments have kept me feeling pretty much 100% normal. My hope and indeed my expectation is that this really won’t change for the rest of my life, and I may even see a cure for it altogether long before I would start experiencing any seriously debilitating symptoms.
The discovery of this disease led to immediate depression, but that’s pretty much subsided. However, it was enough of a distraction to bump me off track from my curiosities and certain dreams of self-made success. I can still pursue those dreams and retain that curiosity, but now I’d have to make a conscious effort to do so, which I suppose is one reason why I’m writing this blog entry. The other thing about this disease is that although it has produced almost no symptoms in my day-to-day life, there is some emphasis on the word “almost”. Sometimes I feel a bit strange—weak, tingly, dizzy, sleepy, and with a muddy mind. With the exceptions of tingly and dizzy, I have been unable to say for certain that the disease is to blame for this simply because I really do not get enough exercise nor quite enough sleep. Sometimes, however, the weirdness actually wakes me up and keeps me awake.
So I cannot say that the disease is the cause of my absence of technical blogging, but I can say that it hasn’t exactly helped. I don’t think that the disease has slowed down my mental capacity; on the other hand, it and the secondary symptoms (like depression) have certainly increased the mental laziness factor. And indeed it might be partially responsible for energy problems. Even writing this I feel the urge to go to bed, and it’s 3:30PM.
Meanwhile, I have also been playing a lot of PC games lately. I beat Dragon Age. I got really interested in Star Trek Online, until everyone rated it 60% and I realized I was excited about something that’s mediocre. I also beat Mass Effect 2, and just beat Battlefield: Bad Company 2 (single player; a very short but very good game), and I’ve been playing EVE Online again on and off. I’ve been so engrossed in PC gaming lately, in fact, that I’ve been thinking about blogging about my gaming activities in a third blog, a blog dedicated to my gaming adventures, with gripes and praises about each game as I play it.
But pondering that, I am forced to recollect yesteryear’s goals and agendas. What ever happened to the Gemli Project? I spent so much time working on that thing that I never had a chance to use it fully in my own web site initiatives. As I think about plans to add LINQ support, I realize the sheer scope of that project’s ideals and realize that it really might be too much to handle. So I procrastinate. And I procrastinate further. And meanwhile I get depressed over my disease, and get over that depression, and meanwhile I get lazier, and meanwhile I play PC games …
I have no excuse, but then I have no reason to care. Why should I? I live alone. I do what I do as I feel the need or want to do it. All this seems to not lead to anywhere unless I focus on the things that lead me somewhere.
I suppose I should be trying to live a life that is more intentional. I just lack the motivation to identify and pursue what intentions I should have. Marriage? Being single for so long I’ve lost the appreciation for women I used to have (and no that doesn’t mean that it’s been replaced with appreciation for men .. yeesh ..). Running a business? My Hanford failure was so disgustingly ugly that I’m afraid of really even trying.
There’s the rather obvious path of simply digging deeper into God. I say “rather obvious” simply because there’s always plenty to do when you’re completely “sold out for Jesus”. I just get a little nervous about how bizarre people can get with their faith, and even I myself have portrayed it in years past, and I often wonder how much of that is culture and/or psychology versus what is real. Meanwhile, I’m never awake enough on Sunday mornings; being completely alone, I have no motivators to get up and out the door.
So I really don’t know. This is what’s on my mind today, though.